1.

I took two of the implicit bias surveys. First, I chose race (skin color?) and then disability. I am skeptical about the results, and of the survey in general. Because I was primed for it, did that affect my reaction to the images? Because I understood the intent and the stakes of the test, did that affect the results? My responses revealed that I have a slight bias for Black people and against White people, and that I have a slight bias against people with disabilities. Is it true? 

I have fought against implicit bias most of my life, and it’s a tough beast.. As a young child in elementary school, I knew that I was inclined towards my white classmates and had difficulty connecting with my Black peers. My best friends were always Asian or white. In Washington, DC in the 80s, this was as much about class as about race. I wanted to be liked and accepted by my Black classmates, but I was too quiet and shy and insecure to forge these friendships. I stayed in the comfort of my culture, finding friends whose parents were highly educated and liberal and who lived in my neighborhood. 

Then, while working in Prince George’s County, I was constantly aware of my race, racial biases, and racial privilege, both with my colleagues, my students’ parents, and my peers on the PTO at my children’s school. I fought against my biases towards whiteness and privilege by intentionally putting myself and my children in spaces that were not dominated by white people and culture. Living with this awareness for so many years may have influenced my bias for Black people in general.

Once, when I had a conflict with a Black colleague, I was ranting to my Black vice principal against what I felt was an injustice. I was going on and on, trying to defend my view, and complaining about my colleagues attitude towards me, which I felt was rude and unjustified and unprofessional, and my vice principal told me, “Ellis, what you need to do is just stop talking. Just be quiet!” I was shocked. She was politely insisting I shut up. Only later did I realize that she was so right. As the white woman in the relationship, I needed to shut the fuck up and listen and learn. I could not divorce myself from my white privilege. I had to acknowledge it, and work within the constraints. It was an important lesson. 

As for the disability bias test, I was surprised by the results. One of my closest friends has spinal muscular atrophy, and I have many friends who are differently-abled. Inclusion is one of my passion points. But still, I view physical limitations as just that: limitations. Negative. Fascinating.

2.

I live with a woman from Africa who is currently seeking asylum so she can remain in this country after she is done with her studies. My best friend is an economic refugee from Honduras who has not seen her mother in 25 years. We hosted a family from Afghanistan and Iran, who were refugees, when they first arrived in the United States. I have experienced through them the reality of leaving home potentially forever. In many senses it is heartbreaking. But they have also shown me the power of optimism and perseverance. I have taught the children of asylum seekers for over a decade. Abia’s insistence that she is the queen, and able to conquer anything, matches up with my perception of the people in my life who have immigrated to the United States. Although migrating can be sad and stressful and defeating, there is no room for depression or cynicism in survival.